- Introduce yourself if necessary. If you don’t know the person, breaking the ice is very simple: look approachable, tell the new person your name, offer your hand to shake, and smile.
- Remark on the location or occasion. Look around and see if there is anything worth pointing out. Examples of location or occasion comments: "This is a gorgeous room!", "Such incredible catering!", "I love this view!", or "Great dog!"
- Ask an open-ended question. Most people love to talk about themselves; it's your place as the conversation starter to get them going. An open question requires an explanation for an answer rather than just a simple yes or no. Open questions tend to begin with who, when, what, why, where, and how, whereas closed questions tend to start with do, have, and is/am/are. Closed questions: "Do you like books?", "Have you been to university?", "Is spring your favorite season?", "Am I intruding?", and "Do you come here often?" Open questions: "What sort of books do you like?", "What did you study at university?", "Which is your favorite season? Why?", "What are you doing right now?", and "Where's your usual watering hole?"
- Know how to combine general remarks with open-ended questions. Since either one of these might be awkward or out-of-place on its own, combine them for maximum effect. For example: "That's a nice handbag, where did you get it?" This lets the handbag owner talk about the day that they went shopping and all this funny stuff happened, as opposed to: "I like your handbag!" "Thank you." (The end.) "What an amazing buffet! Which is your favorite dish?" Asking an opinion is especially useful, as it can be followed up with the classic open-ended question: “Why?” "Fantastic turnout! Which of the lecturers is your favorite?" "I love your costume. Which are your favorite sci-fi movies?"
- Keep the conversation going with small talk. This keeps the conversation light and simple, which is especially useful for people who are still getting to know one another better. Use small talk to establish rapport and similarities rather than set each other up for an opinionated argument. Small talk encompasses such topics as your blog or website, the purchase of a new car, house renovations, your kids' artwork prize, vacation plans, your newly planted garden, a good book you've just read, etc. Small talk is not politics, religion, nuclear disarmament or fusion, or criticizing anybody, especially not the host or the event you're both attending. Although talking about the weather is a cliche, if there's something unusual about the weather, you've got a great topic of conversation.
- Synchronize. Once your partner-in-conversation has started talking, follow his or her cue to keep the conversation going smoothly. Use active listening to reflect what they're saying and to summarize their possible feelings. Say the other person's name now and then. Not only does it help you to remember them but it's a warming sign of respect and mutual like. Give encouraging feedback. You don't even have to say things a lot of the time; you can nod, say “ah-ha” or “wow’ or “oh” or “hmm,’ sigh, grunt convivially, and give short encouraging statements such as "Is that so?" and "Goodness!", and "What did you do/say then?" and "That's amazing!", etc. Keep your body language open and receptive. Nod in agreement, make occasional genuine eye contact without staring, and lean in toward the other person. Place your hand on your heart now and then, and even touch them on the upper arm if you're a touchy, feely person. Keep good thoughts going through your head. Stay interested in the other person and focused on them. Keep your curiosity piqued rather than withdrawing back into yourself. Note each time a similarity or common goal pops up in the conversation to remind yourself of the worth of continuing to connect with this person. Smile a lot and laugh when the other person makes a funny comment. Don’t force laughter, as this is cringe-inducing; smile and nod instead.
- Use words of a sensory nature. These are words such as "see", "imagine", "feel", "tell", "sense", etc., which encourage the other person to keep painting a descriptive picture as part of their conversation. For example: Where do you see yourself in a year's time? Tell me about the time that the boss sold your car without realizing. What's your sense of the current stock market fluctuations? How do you feel about the new plans for renovating downtown? What do you imagine he was thinking when he asked for a pay rise higher than the boss's salary?
- Be aware of your internal monologue. When you suddenly feel that you're not able to engage in conversation with another person, it's likely that you're telling yourself a few negative things, such as worrying that you're boring, not good enough, too unimportant, intruding, wasting their time, etc. You might also be worrying about what the other person is thinking about you, causing yourself to feel tongue-tied. Feeling self-conscious when carrying on conversation with others is not unusual but it's also not productive. Try to keep in mind that everyone has these self-doubts from time to time but that it's essential to overcome them in order to engage with fellow human beings. Reassure yourself that the other person is not judging you. Even if they are, think "So what?" and don't give them the upper hand in your life.
- Respond thoughtfully to someone who remains awkward or uncomfortable in your presence. If your conversation partner appears withdrawn and uninterested in sharing information with you, don't persist too much. Try a little more before making a decision to move on. Keep your questions non-invasive; be sure you're not asking them questions they'd rather not discuss. For example, some people might be very uncomfortable discussing issues that they feel touch on them personally, such as weight, lack of having a degree or qualifications, lack of having a steady date, etc. Try to be as thoughtful as possible even though you don't really know them yet. Don't ask too many questions if your conversation partner continues to appear unresponsive.
- Maintain the equilibrium. As the person who started the conversation, the responsibility initially rests with you to maintain the momentum. So what happens when the other person starts practicing active listening and open questions back on you? You have several options: Relish it as their cue to let you start talking about yourself. Just don't overdo it; remember to keep engaging them back with open questions and active listening at the end of your own recounting. Deflect it if you'd rather not be the center of conversation attention. Say something like: "Well, I like Harry Potter books, and I especially loved the last one. But you don't want to hear about me all night! What were your favorite moments in the Harry Potter series?" Answer questions with a question. For example, "How did you manage to get away so early?" could be responded to with, "Well, how did you?" Often the other person will be so intent on filling you in on their side of the story that they'll forget they asked you the question first!
- Practice getting conversations started. You may feel a little clumsy at first, but with practice it can become easy to start good conversations. Every time you're in a situation where you're called upon to converse with others, see it as part of your ongoing practice, and note how you're improving each time that you try it.
